Dare ... to Dive In

Prologue

No, I won’t do it, she thought.  

I want to see what will happen.  What will become of them.  

There’s something special in them ... 

It returned.  

Fully formed like Athena sprung from the head of Zeus.  

But it's not beautiful like that Roman Goddess, 

and she's not fully armed and ready to lead in battle.  

Carol begins her chemo on Monday.  

She is fully armed for battle and has even posted 

a rallying cry on her cancer website.

I’ve decided to journey with her and channel that moxy. 

I’ll revisit the scene of my battle and post journal entries from 

that time in my life, just a couple of years ago.  

So ... Why would that take moxy, guts, nerve? 

Because cancer wasn’t the biggest battle.  

For that I received the accompanying Medal of Honor.  

For that I constantly receive a warm congratulatory smile 

accompanied by the concerned follow-up, how are you now? 

My biggest battle was with the Dirty D.  Depression.  

For that one most often receives a kind but confused smile 

accompanied by a veiling over the eyes and a murmered 

something-or-other followed by a change of topic.  

Unless ... one has faced the Dirty D.  

But even then ... shhh quietly echoes in our heads 

... shhh -- someone might hear! 

The discomfort and reticence to talk about Depression

are shadowy residuals of a shame 

 that is still present in our culture.  

!!!Thank God cancer is no longer a topic of shame and silence!!!  

Someday I hope the same to be true for depression.

Today I begin my battle against any lingering shame of depression.   

It will take place on three fronts:  

   The Cancer-Radiation Arena with posts from my cancer journals 

   The Anxiety-Depression Arena with past and present reflections

   Continued posts on the Spiritual Arena with creative whimsical images

I hope you’ll join me and post your comments.  

Go ahead!  You can always post anonymously if you prefer.  

And yes, you can still email me privately.

Ohhhhhh CrapCrapCRAP!!!  Lost EvERY WoRD of this POst!!!  

Fine!  I’ll re-write and re-post!!!   Hah.  First battle.  Won it. 

Here goes the post and the image I just created.

Autumn Impressions: What is a Soul Journal, Anyway?

 "Listen! the wind is rising,

and the air is wild with leaves.

We have had our summer evenings,

now for October eves!" ~Humbert Wolfe~

This great quote (thanks Jamie!) reminded me of
journal pages from a couple years ago.
Looking at the pages this morning I can see
echoes of my soul at the time.

I thought that describing the process of making those pages

might be a good way to give you a glimpse into a Soul Journal.

It started one afternoon while I was reading

a Smithsonian Magazine that my husband was finished with.

(Being last to read, I can play with the wonderful images!)

I remember noticing the dark colors in

Beautiful Rain, a painting by Renoir.

Carefully tearing out the picture I thought about

other paintings by Renoir with their bright colors,

children playing, and sunny gardens. Those were the

type of Impressionist paintings that usually appeal to me.

It really surprised me to be moved by these dark autumnal colors.

I pulled out a stash of paints, ink-pads and stamps,

and "stuff" torn from envelopes, magazines,
restaurant napkins, and the like.

(Some of my favorite things to use in my Soul Journal 

pages are bits and pieces of life around me.)

Randomly opening the book I was altering, I took

colored ink-pads and watercolors and began to rub, paint, and
daub on colors that reminded me of fall sunsets.

To create a casual messy softness I rip around images and

then rub a combination of neutral inks over the white edges.

I also crumpled up the red flowers

and brushed sepia over the wrinkles to add depth and interest.

I continued to play around, adding a dried stalk from

my sister's garden and postage stamps that brightened the pages.

Pausing to take a look, they all seemed to want a cozy interior space.

so, looking out the window at the fall leaves in olive green,

dark ochre yellow, and sepia brown, I smudged and layered

those colors until they created warm and safe edges.

(Can you hear echoes of my soul at that time?)

Dark purple and brown inks were used to stamp the

randomly selected clocks, fern, and butterflies

on top of the autumn-sunset colors.

(Again, can you see intuitive symbolism in the selected images?)

Looking back, the way those dark beautiful colors

in the magazine spoke to me now makes some sense.

Recovering from cancer treatments

and working through accompanying depression

it had become increasingly difficult to talk about my feelings.

I had searched around me and scrounged through the

cancer magazines scattered in oncology waiting rooms

but could find no evidence of others struggling with

such depression after treatments.

Everywhere I looked other cancer survivors were

full of sunshine, optimism, and hope.

They were ready to jump back into life,

eager to re-embrace every single day.

And so I had grown deeply ashamed of my depression

and tried to hide it even more than usual.

(I know, while many commented on how good I was doing,

I didn't hide much of anything from those of you

familiar with depression.)

As I flipped through the magazine that day

something about those dark colors resonated with my soul.

And while I noticed how powerful they were to me, I

didn't really try to understand. Instead, I simply

allowed them to be a springboard for

creative play and nonverbal expression.

Soul Journals can be helpful

when words are inadequate, unavailable.

And ... isn't it delightfully ironic how often we

return to words to explain those nonverbal expressions?

Click below or email me and let me know how you Soul-Journal or

how you'd like to begin.  Remember, I'm always glad to

answer questions if you're unsure how to begin.
I love all your comments and emails for those who prefer!

Workshop: Ten Tips to Create a Soul Journal

1. Start

Select a color, a word, a symbol, an image. It doesn't matter what you start with. Just start. With anything. The starting is what matters.

This is one of the first pages I made several years ago. It's still one of my favorites, and I really had no idea what I was doing. I simply started. It's really all about the soul.

2. Play

Let your imagination wander. Allow yourself to freely select words, symbols, colors, images. Remember, this is about the soul, not the intellect, and so things don't have to make sense -- in fact, they may NOT make sense.

The woman wearing aviator glasses was in a funky sports magazine ad. I ripped out the page and set it aside. Later I noticed that she seemed to say to me 'have fun! dare to be daring! you can do anything!' in a powerful combination of playfulness and courage.

3. Mess Around

Use scissors to cut something out ... or simple rip around the edges.

I love this method: because there is no way to make something perfect, there can be no imperfection -- Freedom!!!

4. Select a Journal Page

Did you notice? This does not have to be step one. If you haven't selected a journal or some kind of pages for your background, you can do that now. You can use a journal you already have as long as you're comfortable with a few bumps or wrinkles as you can see here, particularly around the glass tiles.

You can also start with a sheet of paper, a sketch journal from the dollar store, or a book from the reduced-for-quick-sale section at your favorite used book store. That's what I've done. I'm in love with books, and this just made sense to me for my Soul Journals.

5. Begin a Background

I brushed on green paint first. Any kind will work; inexpensive acrylics from a craft store are great. You can dry it more quickly with a hair dryer; then it's helpful to lay a piece of wax paper on top, held down by a heavy book so the pages won't curl. While this dried I leafed through magazines where I found this wonderful quote, the Grecian woman, and the large vintage clock.

6. Add for Depth and Texture

You can continue to work with the background to add layers.

Here I took a pad of dark brown ink to brush the edges and smear around the perimeter. I like to use my fingers, a bit of kitchen sponge, or brushes.

Then I smudged on some darker green paint. There's no rhyme or reason. The layers will add depth and interest ... much as the soul has mystery and unknown dimensions.

7. Mess Around Again

I placed words and pictures, moved them around, selected more items, discarded some, added some back in, and changed everything around again.

This is part of the process: allow the soul to freely wander.

After I cut out the clock (I think it was from a Smithsonian magazine ad) I wrinkled it up into a ball. Using the dark brown ink I rubbed over the wrinkles and around the edges -- instant aging! The numbers were from some product box or another -- there are interesting words and numbers all around us.

8. Stand Back

Do you want to move something a bit? Completely alter the arrangement? Add something else? Trust your intuition.

When it seems done, go ahead and glue down your collage pieces. Can you see a shine on these pages? Sometimes I use clear collage gel that dries with a gloss finish. (Remember, you can dry your pages more quickly with a blow dryer and then re-flatten with wax paper and a heavy book.)

9. Finishing

Ribbon, string, and pieces of fabric can be glued down the center or tied to the side; simply poke holes near the edge of the page, pull fabric or ribbon through and tie. Bronze glass mosaic tiles, dragonfly brads, an old button, and vintage stamps finished off the pages.

Is there still something you decide you want to change? You can. Or you can leave it. Imperfect? Unfinished? ... When is anything perfect? Or finished?

Maybe it's perfectly imperfect just as it is. This is all a process.

10. Enjoy

Have you noticed how a very young toddler will take a picture book and stare at the pictures for ages? I often wonder what's going on inside.

Try the same thing yourself.

Allow your gaze to wander into thoughts, memories, hopes, dreams ... allow yourself to settle into serenity, joy, quietness ... and enjoy the journey.

Look for future posts on continuing your soul journal. Meanwhile, don't forget the first step ... Start.

Please remember to post your comments and ask questions. I'd love to know you've visited and I'm always glad to explain things!